Hey, you. Yeah you, Office Man. With your chic Prada glasses, your fancy striped tie from Barney’s, your slim black brief case. Cheeks flushed, catching your breath as the PATH doors close behind you. Wondering why the train smells like poop, then glancing down at my stroller. I see those glances while you pretend to itch your nose. Yes, that small pile of dust next to your shoes are Cheerios, Office Man. I’m soooo sorry that I defiled this God-awful PATH car with my toddler litter. I’m sorry I brought an open cup of Cheerios on the train, but you try leaving the apartment with toddlers screaming for cake. Don’t judge me, man.
I know it’s rush hour. I know this stroller is huge. I get it. Toddlers and commuters on a cramped train don’t mix. Yeah, I get it. You’re soooo busy. You have your gym appointment to rush home to, your happy hour with college friends, your Thai take-out in front of Breaking Bad. I know you’re tired. You slogged into the city, passed by construction equipment that buzzed and hacked and drummed holes into concrete and cement, hiked escalator steps, rushed through turnstiles, pushed past slow tourists who annoyed the piss out of you. I did that grind for years, Office Man. But you know what? You can do all that crap in peace in quiet. You can tune out to Maroon 5 or Jay-Z or whatever it is you listen to, Office Man.
I’m soooo sorry my kids are screaming “Thomas!” like banshees. Yes, I know they’re loud, Office Man. I listen to it. All. Day. Long. Do not start with me. Do not-
Is Office man talking to me?
“I’m sorry, what was that? Sorry, I was lost in thought. Oh! Yes, I’m getting off at the next stop. Yes, thank you so much, I’d love some help with my stroller! Thank you so much!”
“Oh, you have two kids too? Oh, gosh, please don’t strain yourself, this stroller is so heavy. Yes, it’s big, and so heavy! Oh, you have the same stroller? Your two kids are only eleven months apart? You’re on your way to pick them up in daycare? Omigod! You must be so busy!”
“Yes, you have a nice night too! Thank you!”
Wow, I’m a real bitch sometimes.